Hello, my name is Junie B. Jones B stands for Bush did 9/11, but I just go by B. Anyways, this is a true story, about, my encounters with the video game Spongebob Squarepants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman for the Gameboy Advance (try saying that 3 times fast).
So I was at Gamestop, and there was this really dusty game
on the top shelf, and I was like, “Hey man, what’s that game up there?” and the
guy said, “That’s, Spongebob Squarepants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman for
the Gameboy Advance.” It was weird, it was the year 2013 and this Gamestop
still had Gameboy games? The guy offered it to me and said, “I’ll give it to
you for 1.99$” thinking it was a good deal to catch up on some nostalgia I
grabbed Spongebob Squarepants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman for the Gameboy
Advance, from the top shelf and ran it up to the cash register, and the man
said, “Are you sure you want this game? Some kid brought it back and said that
the Spongeguy looked evil and killed his grandma for a week straight.” And I
was like, “Uhm, first of all, you offered me the game, so yeah, I’m gonna buy
it.” Looking down at me with a sigh he replied, “Okay, here you go, enjoy Spongebob
Squarepants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman for the Gameboy Advance.” I looked
at him and said, “Thanks.” Then walked out the door. The next day the guy who
sold me the game died. Is that fucked up or what.
I go home, and open up the Spongebob Squarepants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman for the Gameboy Advance and grab the cartridge, and put it in my Gameboy. I turned it on, and instead of the happy orange Nickelodeon blob, the screen was all pixely and said, “You’re next!!!” thinking it was a glitch, I ignored the warning, and was eventually at the title screen of Spongebob Squarepants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman for the Gameboy Advance and instead of seeing Spongebob and the Dutchman, I saw a sprite of Patrick, that was DEAD. I screamed and turned the Gameboy off.
Later that day, my dog accidentally turned the Gameboy on when
his foot hit the switch, and then I heard the Gameboy start-up and eventually
heard the theme music of Spongebob Squarepants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman
for the Gameboy Advance. But, instead of the hyperrealistic Patrick sprite, I
saw the original title screen for Spongebob Squarepants: Revenge of the Flying
Dutchman for the Gameboy Advance.
Thinking maybe I was just freaking out earlier, I gave Spongebob
Squarepants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman for the Gameboy Advance another
chance and pressed, ‘start’.
In the intro, I didn’t see the opening of Bikini Bottom, I
saw the entrance to Squidward’s house. It seemed locked, I thought, “What is
happening?” and it turns out Spongebob appeared on screen looking happily and
bright as usual, and he ended up reaching in his back pocket and instead of a
fishing net he pulled out an axe and begun to chop down Squidward’s door.
Looking in horror, I tried to turn off the Gameboy but the switch was stuck. So
instead I tried to take the battery out, but I didn’t have a screwdriver to
remove the little flappy thing, so I was stuck watching in horror as Spongebob
hacked down Squidward’s door.
Sitting in the corner, was a terrified squid. Spongebob
looked at the camera, and I ''knew'' he
was looking at me! And he spoke gibberish, until he lifted up the axe and
smashed the Gameboy screen from the inside, while in the background blood
curdling cries of Squidward were heard along with a gruesome chopping noise.
Suddenly, Spongebob stopped chopping, the crack in my
Gameboy screen stayed, but the camera panned over to a brutily mutilated
Squidward. I screamed and threw my Gameboy at the wall and I heard Spongebob
say, “Ow, shit.” Eventually my power cut out, but the Gameboy was still on
(because game boys run on battery) and it flickered on and off frantically
sending my epileptic gerbil into a seizure and it died. Eventually Spongebob
crawled out of the Gameboy and looked at me, an unknown black goop poured from
his eyes, and his fingers were craved into incredibly sharp claws.
Looking at me with a toothy grin of pure evil, the Sponge
said in a voice I’d never forget, “Where is your grandma.” I pointed upstairs,
and Spongebob slowly turned to the staircase and marched upstairs with the axe,
dragging it against the floor, leaving a huge gash within the wood. Afterwards
I heard my grandma scream, but I was too frozen with fear to do anything.
I kept hearing the thumping of an axe smash against the
floor of the house, and eventually my grandma stopped screaming, and in that
moment, Spongebob crawled back downstairs, looked at me and said, “Thank you.” Before
he pixelated into thin air, and appeared back on the Gameboy screen.
Afterwards, the original title screen of Spongebob Squarepants: Revenge of the
Flying Dutchman for the Gameboy Advance showed up, and I knew better than to
fuck with that, so I forcefully pulled out the cartridge, put it back in the Spongebob
Squarepants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman for the Gameboy Advance case, and
headed back to Gamestop for me full refund.
I told the cashier that spongebob killed my grandma, he
said, “Yeah, we get that complaint a lot.” and he navigated his cursor onto the
desktop and asked for my Gamestop card. I gave it to him without question, and
he then clicked on a little exe file titled, “Spongebob.exe.” afterwards a
notification popped up and said, “20 cents has been added to your card.” With joy
I selected, “confirm” on the touchpad, and happily walked out of the store a
free man.